Iran is the most defensive team you’ll ever see. They once parked the bus so hard that the bus got a flat tire. In 2026, they held Argentina to a 1-0 loss, which for Iran is like winning the lottery. They also have a tradition of fasting during Ramadan, which sounds hard when you’re sprinting in 100-degree heat.
Italy didn’t make it to 2026, and I’m contractually obligated to mention that. So, Italy is not here. They won in 2006, and then promptly decided to take a nap for 16 years. Their fans are currently arguing about pizza toppings to pass the time.
J: Japan, and the Politeness of Annihilation
Japan arrives with a work ethic so strong that they clean their own locker rooms after losses. Yes, really—they leave the stadium spotless. Then they go out and beat Germany 2-1 in 2026, sending the German fans into a spiral of “what is happening?”
They’re also the only team whose fans stay after the game to pick up trash. It’s both adorable and terrifying, like a ninja who apologizes after kicking you. Their coach once said, “We play with heart,” and then they outran Spain on the pitch. Respect the bow.
