For top round: Think "hot and fast" or "low and slow, but not too slow." You want to roast it at a high temp (450°F) for maybe 20 minutes, then lower it to 325°F until it hits medium-rare. Please, for the love of gravy, do not cook it past medium. Slice it paper-thin against the grain, or you’ll be chewing on leather at Thanksgiving.
For bottom round: You have two choices: embrace the "braise" or embrace the “sadness.” Slow-cook it in a Dutch oven with broth, onions, and a splash of wine for 3-4 hours. Or, if you’re feeling brave, slice it extremely thin and use it for jerky or shaved steak. Just don’t roast it like a prime rib, okay? That’s like asking a bulldog to do ballet—it’s not going to end well.
Side note: did anyone else’s grandmother think “roast” automatically meant “cook for 8 hours until it’s gray”? Because that’s the #1 reason people hate round roasts. My advice: invest in a meat thermometer—your jaw will thank you.
