Parking is a nightmare. The car park fits maybe 60 cars, but on a busy day, you’ll find people parallel parking in the flower bed. I’m convinced there’s a secret society of Edinburgh drivers who’ve mastered the “grief-park”—where you abandon your car tears-first and hope for the best.
The crematorium also offers a live webcast service for funerals. Yes, you can stream the final farewell from your couch in Tokyo. The IT guy there is probably the funniest person in the building; he once set up a webcam and accidentally broadcast a pigeon’s mating dance on the chapel screen. Technically, that pigeon’s now more famous than the deceased.
Oh, and the temperature inside the cremator is a toasty 1,000 degrees Celsius. That’s hot enough to melt gold. So if you’re worried about being cold in death, don’t be. You’ll get the ultimate sauna experience—just without the scented oils.
Mortonhall Crematorium, 30B Howendhall Road, Edinburgh, Edinburgh
The Staff: Unsung Heroes of Dark Humour
The employees at Mortonhall deserve a medal for handling the absurd. One worker told me they once had a family request that the funeral song be “Another One Bites the Dust” by Queen. The chaplain politely suggested “My Way” by Frank Sinatra instead. The family compromised with “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life.” I laughed so hard I nearly cried—which is basically the emotional state of every funeral there.
Another time, a cat wandered into the chapel during a service and sat on the coffin. The grieving widow reportedly said, “He always did love a good cuddle.” The cat didn’t leave until the eulogy ended. That cat now has a dedicated sunbeam spot by the garden, presumably plotting its next dramatic entrance.
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