Once the lights are on, the real fun begins: you have to leave. The tube stations will be so packed that you’ll finally understand how a sardine feels at a funeral. Rumour has it, a new “Christmas Light Exit Strategy” involves releasing 1,000 robot Santas to herd the crowd, but it’s just an algorithm playing “Last Christmas” on a loop until you snap and walk home.
And don’t even think about using the public toilets. I have it on good authority that the Portaloos near Trafalgar Square are now considered a “haunted house attraction” by local pranksters. Bring a bottle.
What You’ll Actually Remember
For all the glitz, the real story of the 2026 switch-on will be the stuff you can’t plan. Like the busker who plays a bagpipe version of “All I Want for Christmas,” or the fight over the last mulled wine that ends with a man hugging a lamppost for warmth. You’ll forget the lights. You’ll remember the puddle of spilled chocolate that you slipped in.
And if you’re very lucky, you might see Biscuit the dog again. He escaped during the ceremony and was last spotted chasing a holographic snowflake towards Buckingham Palace. Merry Christmas, London. You absolute chaos goblin.
