Eggnog is essentially a dairy bomb with a sugar grenade strapped to it. Think of it as milk that went to bodybuilding camp and came back with extra cream. For the roughly 65% of adults worldwide who are lactose intolerant, this is a recipe for disaster.
Your gut lacks the enzyme lactase to break down all that lactose. So what happens? The undigested sugar gets yanked into your colon like a rowdy guest at a party, pulling water with it. The result? A sudden, urgent need to find a bathroom—stat.
I once saw a man drink a quart of eggnog at a holiday party. He later described the aftermath as “a faucet turned on in reverse.” You don’t forget that kind of honest confession.
Spices: The Sneaky Saboteurs
It’s not just lactose, though. Eggnog is loaded with nutmeg and cinnamon. Nutmeg contains a compound called myristicin, which in large amounts is a mild hallucinogen. But in normal amounts? It can stimulate your bowels like a pep talk to a nervous runner.
Cinnamon, especially the cheap cassia kind, is also a natural laxative. Sprinkle too much on your nog, and you’ve basically created a holiday-themed colon blow. One friend of mine calls extra-spiced eggnog “The Sleigh Ride Express.” I’ll let you guess the ride’s destination.
