An eight-pound turkey is your friend. It’s forgiving, it’s common, and it doesn’t require a surgeon’s attention. Cook it 2 hours 45 minutes at 350°F unstuffed, or 1 hour 15 spatchcocked. Use a thermometer. Rest it. Don’t name it.
And remember: the first Thanksgiving was a harvest feast, not a pressure test for your ego. If the skin rips, call it “rustic.” If it’s dry, drown it in gravy. You’ll be fine.
Now go forth, roast that bird, and for heaven’s sake, don’t forget to take the giblets out of the neck cavity. No one wants a surprise bag of organs at the table. Not even the giblets themselves.